“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
My last post on this forum discussed a Forgiveness Exercise that I find very useful and powerful.
Last weekend I taught REIKI Level 1 and used that exercise as part of the workshop. One of the things that came up for me during the process was something that happened to me almost thirteen years ago. It surfaced during the REIKI training and followed me closely like shadow during the next few days. Giving myself the opportunity to sit quietly with this situation from the past and my feelings led me first to journal my thoughts and then secondly to write a Letter of Forgiveness to myself. I now share this letter with you in both video and written form. It is my hope that you will watch or read this deep heartfelt sharing of mine, and that if anything it will encourage you to take that first step towards self-forgiveness of your own. Every step we take brings us closer to wholeness, closer to joy and bliss.
Embedded below is a video of me reading this letter out loud. I find that the letter, though powerful on its own, is much more powerful when read out loud. I recorded the reading so that you might hear it in my own words, with my own emphasis.
(YouTube Link: http://youtu.be/GJQZYo094mg)
A Forgiveness Love Letter to Myself
My dearest, most beautiful, most deeply loved Me,
I am sorry. I am so sorry.
I’m sorry that I treated you so poorly that summer when you needed me the most. I’m sorry that you felt the way you did completely lost and empty, without love or connection. I’m sorry that you experienced what you did. It was not my intention to place you in that situation nor was it my intention to have you hurt so deeply. I’m sorry that you felt you had no other options. And I’m sorry that you felt compelled to act the way you did in order to feel the love that you were so desperately seeking. I’m sorry that what I see in you – in me – what is so obvious and apparent to us both now – was not so obvious or apparent then.
It was not my intention to place you in a position of compromise, desperately trying to connect with another out of sheer loneliness. It was I that abandoned you so long ago. It was I that did not know any better. It was I who was blind and could not see the beauty that you are, that you were then, that you always have been. I could not see that you and I are the same as love. That everyone – including you and I - are made for love, by love, to be loved, and to love. I could not see that love comes from inside and that nothing, absolutely nothing outside can fill that hole no matter how hard we try. I am sorry that I was blind and in so being caused you such enormous hurt and pain.
I apologize to you my dearest love, for whatever you felt you lacked inside. For whatever it was that caused you to seek comfort in that man’s arms. To parade and flirt your beautiful body in front of him simply so that he would spend time with you. Seeking companionship in another’s arms because you could not see what was hiding inside yourself. The love that was already there simply waiting to be recognized. Instead you felt that you had to compromise so that you could have a friend who wasn’t ever really a friend. Spending time with this person always left you feeling slightly off balance and off center. Having trouble seeing the fuzzy boundaries all around and in every direction, unsure of what to do or not do. Unsure of how to break the cycle of what was required to make it feel better. Not understanding the language of your heart or even how to listen for it. I know that though this wasn’t the first time you did this, it was certainly the most painful and damaging. And for that alone I am sorry.
I love you and it was not my intention to have these things happen. You did all you could. You did all you knew how to do. You used your body and your physical beauty because that was all you knew. You and I, we know better now and I am grateful for the learning that we experienced and for this sharing between our two selves. Without that experience you and I would not be who we are today and for this I am again grateful. I recognize it and I thank you for it.
Can you forgive me? Can you forgive my ignorance and my fear, my compromise? Can you forgive me for not standing up in the face of what happened to us and afterwards for what didn’t happen? Can you forgive me for not having the strength or courage to say exactly what needed to be said when we were betrayed and our trust was broken? Can you forgive me for second-guessing and not leaving that place immediately? Can you forgive me for staying the night when our inner most urge was simply to get out of there and run? Can you forgive me for not seeking to address what happened on both our side of the story as well as his? Can you forgive me for pushing it aside and burying it as best as I could? Can you forgive me for what happened that summer, that night and for all the painful days that followed?
Can you forgive me? I know in my heart of hearts that I can forgive you simply for doing and being all you could do and be at the time. I know that you were as strong as you could be then and I love you for it. I forgive you for it. I know that and I feel it deep inside my core. I love you my dear, with all my heart and soul. I love you because of what happened and despite what happened. I love you and I thank you for everything you are and everything you will always be. Thank you my dearest, my most beautiful love – you are and will always be nearest and dearest to my heart, you are and will always my first and most important true love.
Yours - Always and Forever,