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Monday, 24 June 2013

Interview with Self-Doubting Sam

I'm having so much fun interviewing my Inner Critics, here is another one I did this month with someone who likes to be called, "Self-Doubting Sam". Once again, I welcome your comments and feed-back (feed-forward). :)

Inner Critic Care and Transformation
Interview with Self-Doubting Sam

Me:      Hi Sam.  How’s it goin’ tonight?

S:         Okay I guess. (In a sad, melancholy and reluctant voice).

Me:      So Sam – I would like to thank you for stepping forward and joining me in this conversation. It really means a lot to me that you would want to sit with me and chat this evening.

S:         Uhm. You’re welcome. I don’t really have much to say though.

Me:      I don’t think that is accurate. I think you probably have a lot to say. Especially to me, one on one like this.

S:         Uhh. I don’t know about that.

Me:      I do. Let’s start slow and easy, ok? There are no TV cameras, no audiences, it is only you and me. Just you and me. Sitting here tonight. Sitting here at this computer in the safe space that is my office and studio. No one else is going to listen in, it is just you and me.

S:         Uhh. Okay. I guess.

Me:      I have a question for you Sam. Can you tell me what it is that you like to do most. In the whole world, of all the possible things to do and be, what is it that you like the most? Tell me your dreams?

S:         Oh. Well. Umm. Let’s see.


S:         Well, uhh. Hmmm. (Sly little smile). I don’t know if you knew this, but I LOVE to dance in fields of wildflowers when no one is looking.

I love when the sun is shining on a beautiful summer day. I love going out to a huge wide open meadow where I can spin in circles with my arms wide. I love to spin and spin and spin until I fall down into the grasses where I lie there surrounded by nature.  I love it because I am alone, by myself and nobody can see me. I love it because I love the nature and the smell of the sun-warmed soil, the scent of the different wildflowers and grasses being warmed by the sun. 

When I am lying there in the field, surrounded by tall grasses it feels like I am the only one in the whole world. It feels like the earth is cradling me, taking care of me. It feels like I am being held in my mothers’ arms and that everything is ok. No. Not just ok, but better than ok. It feels like everything is right with the world.  

I love hearing the sounds of the bees and the flies as they fly from flower to flower fertilizing each as they go. I love the sound of the wind as it moves through the aspens and other trees. It is almost as if it is speaking to me.  That is what I love the most. I love being on my own, in nature taking in everything with all of my senses, bathing in the glory of the day without a worry or a care in the world.

Me:      Wow. Sam. That sounds amazing. I can see it just as you describe it. No phones, no obligations, or judgments, nobody to intrude into your solitude.

S:         Yah. That’s what I like. That is my dream world. That is what I think about when I am here working with you. Working ON you. When I am here, my heart dreams of being there, in that field.

Me:      Oh. Wow. So, am I hearing you correctly when you say that you would RATHER be there in that field, then working here with me?

S:         Yes.

Me:      Oh. Wow. I had no idea.

S:         Yah. (down and melancholy).

Me:      So Sam, why don’t you move out there into that field. Why don’t you find some beautiful place in the country where you can live and dream every day? Why stay here and hang out with me?

S:         Because I can’t. I feel I need to stay here.

Me:      But why? I don’t understand. What is your role in my life? What is your purpose with me here?

S:         I am here to protect you.

Me:      I still don’t understand. You will need to expand on that for me, Sam.

S:         I am here to protect you because you are not strong enough to protect yourself.

Me:      Is that really true, Sam? Am I really not strong enough to protect myself? And from what do I need protecting?

S:         I have always been here. From before the beginning I have been here to protect you. It is my job, my role, my purpose to protect you. I don’t know if you are strong enough, I only know that this is what I do.

            My role is protect you from yourself. I am Self-Doubting Sam. I protect you from yourself, from your own mistakes and errors in judgment.

Me:      Oh Sam. That must be why you feel so familiar, so comfortable. That must be why you have been so present in my life and why I can always hear you in the back of my head. Can I thank you for your role as protector in this life and those that have come before? I thank you and love you and am grateful for your role in my life.

S:         You’re welcome. (standing a little taller and prouder) It wasn’t easy you know.

Me:      I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. I have heard your voice a lot in my past and I know that you have always been there with me. On call, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. You must be tired.

S:         Yes. I am tired. I am very tired.

Me:      You need a break, don’t you?

S:         Yes. I would love a break. But I can’t take one.

Me:      Why not?

S:         Because you still need protecting.

Me:      Now Sam, is that really true? If you look deep inside, do you know that to be true?

S:         Hmmmm. I’m not sure. I know that you have done a lot of work and shifting lately. But you know, I still feel that you need me to protect you.

Me:      And what exactly are you protecting me from?

S:         I protect you from all those things out there that can hurt you. When you write, or draw, or teach a class, when you put yourself out there you are putting yourself at risk for criticism and injury. 

            It makes me sad when you get hurt from the judgments and critiques of others. It makes me sad when you get hurt or embarrassed because what you create and put out into the world isn’t as good as it could be. It isn’t as good as it should be. It is never good enough and it will never measure up to what other people can do. So why bother creating it in the first place? You will only cause yourself hurt and pain because you simply aren’t good enough to play with the big boys.

Me:      Oh Wow. Sam. So what you are saying is that I am a little fish in a big pond and I shouldn’t even bother trying because I will never succeed anyway?

S:         Yes.

Me:      Oh Sam. I don’t really know what to say right now.

S:         I know. It is sad isn’t it?

Me:      Sam?

S:         Yes?

Me:      How do you know this to be true?

S:         Uhhhgh. How do I know it to be true? Well, I guess I don’t. Not really. I mean like it isn’t actually written anywhere. I have just always felt this was the case, this was my job, my role and to prevent you from getting hurt I needed to speak up loudly in the back of your head and in your ears so that you would stop yourself from going down those roads of humiliation and disappointment.

Me:      So if it isn’t written anywhere, is it possible that I am actually strong enough to put myself out there without getting hurt?

Sam:    Uhh. Yah. I guess so. Maybe.

Me:      So is it then possible that by helping me to continually doubt myself and my abilities, you have actually held me back and prevented me from reaching my full potential?

S:         Uhh. Umm. Yah. I guess so.

Me:      Well. What does this mean for us then?

S:         I guess by your logic I haven’t really been helping, have I?  (Disheartened).

Me:      Well, Sam. I don’t think that is entirely true. I think that you have definitely served a purpose and played your role well for a quite a long period of time. However, I also think that I have grown and learned much more about myself than you ever realized and that in this new learning, I have become stronger and more confident. With this new confidence and self-assurance, I feel that I have probably outgrown the need to have you so present in my life.

S:         Yah. That makes sense… I guess.

Me:      Now Sam. That doesn’t mean that I want you out of my life completely. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have a role to play. I think it simply means that you get to take that long holiday you have always wanted to take.

In fact, I have an even better idea. Why don’t you take your savings and move out into the country? Find that perfect piece of land that makes your heart sing with joy. Why don’t you find that land, buy it and build a small cottage where you can live in peace and comfort on your own in solitude? Retire. Retire to the countryside where you can live a life of quiet luxury, moving at your own pace and wherever the wind blows you.

S:         Ohhhh. That sounds nice. That sounds really nice. I would love to retire to the country-side! I do have enough saved that I can live there on my own terms without having to want for anything. I live simply and so there certainly is no reason why an early retirement isn’t possible. Ooooooh. I like this idea! But, what about you? What about my role as protector? How will you be, will you be ok?

Me:      You know, Sam. I think I will be ok. Actually, I think I will be better than ok. I know that you know this, but it is time for me to move forward. I have been dragging me feet from fear and self-doubt long enough. It is time for me to pull up my big girl panties and jump into that pond where I belong. It is time for me to take that leap that will move me to the next level.

            It doesn’t mean that you and I can’t be friends. And it doesn’t mean that we can’t visit from time to time. I just know that you are tired and deserve to live your dreams just as I deserve to live mine. Besides. I know that you will install power and internet in your new cabin. We can always keep in touch by email or skype or facebook or whatever works best for you. What do you think?

S:         You know what, Heather. I’m good with this. I’ve been dreaming of retiring to a peaceful place where I am surrounded by nature and I see now that there is no reason why both of us can’t live our dreams. Yes. I think this is a good thing. Thank you for inviting me to chat this evening. Thank you for taking the initiative and for spending time getting to know me for who I really am, for asking me about my dreams. I appreciate it and I appreciate you. I can see that you are different now than you were when we first met. I can see now that you are strong and confident and that really and truly you will be ok on your own. Thank you for showing me this and thank you for letting me leave so easily.  I love you Heather and I will miss you.

Me:      It is never goodbye, Sam. It is only see you later. Thanks Sam. For everything. I love you too.

Thank you so much for reading our interview.

We wish you much Love and Light,
Heather and Self-Doubting Sam

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