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Thursday, 8 August 2013

Grief and Acceptance

July 15th, 2013:

My mom will never be there for me the way that I have always wanted. I don’t even know if she knows this and I only just found out myself. It hurts so much. It feels as if my heart has been broken. It feels as if she has died and passed even though physically she hasn’t. I am grieving the loss of a relationship that never was and likely never will be. I’m grieving for the little one inside, the little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted unconditionally. I grieve for her and for me because I realize now that what I have been wanting and expecting from my mom is something that she simply isn’t able to provide.

My chest aches and it is hard to breathe. There is a lump in my throat making it hard to swallow and tears are threatening to spill out the corners of my eyes. I am finding it hard to breathe and yet it is easier than before.

Yesterday there was a density to my upper torso, a pressure on my lungs. It felt like there was something sitting on my chest. I felt a thick metal bolt through my right chest, lung and into my shoulder. It was dark colored and heavy about three-quarters of an inch thick with large diameter nuts screwed on tight both front and back. It felt like there was no moving that bolt. The nuts were immobile as if they had been crazy-glued on. The bolt looked dark, almost blackish. It looked hard and angry.

Under the hands of an extremely skilled and gifted craniosacral practitioner I felt safe to explore this tension, this tightness, this CONTROL. With compassion, humor and a no-bullshit approach I was gently guided into the deepest depths of myself. I almost always find this to be mysterious and uncharted territory, a place where it helps to have a friend with a map to hold my hand. I am fortunate to have a great therapist who is very good at this and with her help I was able to undo that steel bolt in my upper chest, pull it out and begin to heal the wound left behind.

I have always known that everybody has their own journey to travel and ball of yarn to unravel. I know this from my own experience. I know that I am following the yarn this way and that, gradually unraveling this tangled ball, seeking the end of the string and knowing that the end of the string means an end to this life. In my head I know this. Today I learned it in my body, heart and soul.

Inside my subconscious I feel that I have probably always known that my mom hasn’t really been there for me. I might even have known that it isn’t just that she can’t be there as it is that she isn’t willing to be there for me. She has her own journey, her own ball of yarn to unravel. In my head I understand this. In my heart though, I am just finding out and it is only now that I am starting to understand how deep it goes.

August 5th, 2013:

I have had the opportunity to speak in person with my Mom about this realization and have shared with her details of my experience including the written piece above. At first I was nervous about how she would react, knowing that she is less open to some of these things. I wondered whether she would be put out, bent out of shape or offended. I was surprised to hear that she was not... or at least that is what she told me. Mom shared with me that she knows this was my experience, my realization, my perceptions and my perspective. She shared with me that she has no memory of the incident that caused me to lose trust in her and that replaced it with a need for control. She had no memory of something that impacted me so strongly and that was the end of the conversation.

I am ok with this. I feel good that I have respected our relationship enough to have shared these discoveries with her before sharing them with you. I feel good that I opened the door and without attachment, invited conversation. I feel good that she knows what I experienced and because of that I can feel good about letting it go. 

The truth is that relationships are always better when issues or perceptions are brought forward, invited out into the open for a true and honest discussion. Whether the discussion happens or not, the burden of the matter has been cleared and released from the person carrying it. What the other person does with it is entirely their prerogative.

I feel like I have a new and much better relationship with my mom. I feel strong enough to stand tall and say what I need to say to her, to discuss what I need to discuss and resolve what needs to be resolved. I feel free, open and have more compassion and acceptance for myself and for my mom than ever before. She may not understand the things I do or feel, the fact that I can speak to the steel bolt in my shoulder before releasing it, and this is ok. I can accept that she and I are different people, that we each have our own ball of yarn to unravel and that ultimately those tangled strings will lead to the same place. I am at peace with this and it feels good.

Love and Light, 

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